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The notes he so wished would support the position that his perceptions and suspicions were justified, well… those notes stated the opposite. That he was seeming paranoid and was to be referred for Psychiatric assessment after all.

This gave me much hope, as after I had read them myself and asked him what he thought, he answered that the notes supported what I and the other doctors had been stating.

He still doesn’t believe he is paranoid… kind of like that line : “Just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean there not after you… “ . He still 100% believes that his experiences are real; that the only way he’ll ever take meds is if we drag him away in a straight jacket.

Regardless the drama, we do have an appointment with a Psychologist for next Thursday…this is step 2 among who knows how many, towards an official diagnosis and hopefully a plan of action.

Tonight, despite the tantrums and blaming and finger pointing past (or yet to come), I feel hopeful.

Today was a good day!

I’ve been devoting my past week of vacation to convincing him that he MUST continue along this road towards treatment, that it is imperative that we figure out what exactly is happening and how to start treating it.

He refuses to hear reason, and this is no shocker as his reason is malfunctioning at the moment. I’ve told myself a billion times to bite my tongue and not to fall into that argument trap, but let’s face it! Anyone who has ever known us understands that to debate and argue and banter is part of who we are. I remember fondly the hours spent arguing over mundane issues, just competing on whose facts, knowledge or even BSing abilities were superior. Lovely times!  

Useless now of course, as the paths of our respective realities have diverged.

He is now convinced that his first Psychologist, seen a while back and for 5 short weeks (whom at the time he claimed was very unsupportive and even uninterested in helping him) was the only professional who actually “listened” to him. I’ve mentioned before how he has an intense need to express his perception of persecution, without question or interruption. The new Psychiatrist did not give off that aura of patient, passive listener; the earlier Psychologist had.

My issue of course is that I felt that that particular person never took his symptoms as seriously as he should have. Having paranoia severe enough to cause you to quit your job and stop you from being able to get a new one is not something that you should  chat about and dissect from every angle and orifice for weeks on end.

Hubby should have been referred to Psychiatric clinic the minute he mentioned the “great conspiracy” and his house being bugged and his voice being broadcast via podcast!!!

I think that’s Abnormal Psychology 101…

But back to Hubby, who feels that this one person “understood” that what he was experiencing is real, and that I will see, contained within these notes of absolution, that nowhere in them does it state that he shows symptoms of psychotic break, episodes or delusions. He is sure that those piles of notes taken during the sessions will vindicate him. I’ve flat out told him I don’t care if they say all words uttered by Hubby are Truth incarnate and his every thought genius, righteous and exact, I don’t believe it, I know it’s not right, I feel it in my core and that he is going to continue along the path to proper diagnosis and treatment, wherever that leads us, PERIOD!

*deep breath*

I feel much better now.

So tomorrow is the day he get’s to go pick up his notes, those that will deliver unto him.. what? Vindication? Proof, evidence, exoneration…

You see? One Doc in 3 didn’t think I was ill! So there!” 

But using the rational that a GP would NOT refer you for a psychiatric assessment, just for the Hell of it, and that a Psychiatrist at a Psychiatric wing of a hospital would NOT out-and-out say you were having paranoid delusions if this were NOT the case, well that’s just completely outrageous now in his book!

Either way, whatever those notes say, whether they support my point of view or his (if such a thing is possible), I am making that appointment with the hospital Psychologist, and we will go there together and that is where I draw the line. the clock is ticking.

He cannot call the shots for us anymore. From this point on, I will take on that role of cruel dictator, control freak, of pretentious b$#&h , whatever he christens me; all for the “greater good”, for HIS, our, everyones greater good… and in so doing I now play into his paranoia perfectly… that “we” are out to manipulate and coerce him for his own good.

His great conspiracy made concrete and real… delusions solidified by delusions…